This evening I sat on my front porch. The brilliant full moon was rising in the east. The setting sun cast a glow over my brilliant verdant green pastures. My hens were contentedly pecking in the grass. The birds were singing. Little baby Grace was across the street playing and her peels of laughter floated across. My two small dogs were outside with me excitedly exploring the scents left during the day. I decided to let my old border collie DeeDee out of the backyard to join us.
DeeDee belonged to my Mom and Dad. No one knows how old she truly is. My sister, Kim took a guess at 16. She is an ageless dog. Her facial expressions and body language speak for her.....loudly. Tonight her ears were forward, her eyes were smiling and she did that adorable bouncy thing with her front legs. She loves to roam about the yard and by the barns with me. Today she got so excited, when I invited her to come out to roam with Boston, Nellie and I, that she was no help at all with penning up the chickens. She is usually my ace at circling the chickens and moving them to their pen at night but tonight there were too many fun things for her to do so work was out of the question. I did not mind though because she has earned the right to run and romp and explore.
My Mom said she came to the farm as a stray. Mom said that she and Dad were working in the garden and something started rustling in the corn. Mom said she was afraid it was a snake and so she had the hoe poised to chop when out of the corn came a filthy crippled border collie puppy. They named her DeeDee (D.D.) which stands for dirty dog. She was starving and injured so they took her into the house and bathed and fed her and she has not ever left. I keep her in the fenced backyard because I could not bear to have her be hit by a car. I told her tonight that I am going to let her have the best year of her long life this year. For DeeDee that means being let out of the backyard every time I am outside doing chores or walking. When I moved here, I had a perfect little Westie named Tinker. Tinker was only 2 when I moved here and she was a might mischievous, ALL terrier. Sweet DeeDee would let her chew on the side of her face for a little bit but then she would raise up on her front paws so that Tinker could not reach her face. She never snapped at Tinker. Tinker eventually grew out of the terrible 2's. Tinker was a bit of a brute to all dogs except DeeDee. DeeDee is special in dog worlds because Tinker would try with all of her might to kiss DeeDee on the face. My newly adopted Nellie also kisses DeeDee on the face. I think DeeDee has a sweet maternal soul that all animals love. Even Whitey the chicken prefers to live with her. Today is October 10th the first day of the best year of DeeDee's life. All old faithful dogs deserve to be honored in a blog, don't you think?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Wheatless Healthy Berry Yummy Muffins
It is a glorious Fall Saturday. Rain might be coming our way, beautiful sunshine with nice breezes. Daulton is watching Oklahoma Sooners (OU) take Texas Longhorns (UT) to the woodshed, much to his dismay and my glee. I am a bad winner, while I was baking in the kitchen he was taking a large degree of smack-talk from me about Texans. Will and Daulton are both Texans. Will is on my side though.
Will has not been feeling well. He always feels great so I am a little worried about him. He has been doing his homework to figure out how to feel better. He is a genius at healthy living so I know he will figure it out. He said today that he hasn't taken an antibiotic in over 10 years. I think that is remarkable. He drinks his lime drink to raise his body pH and get some sodium because he has been getting too much potassium in his orange juice and bananas. I think he also has a sinus infection.
His not feeling well prompted me to invent some healthy muffins that would be wheat free and that would give him some really good nutrients. They are yummy so I am going to post the recipe for you today.
Wheatless Healthy Yummy Berry Muffins
Level of difficulty - Easy
Time to prep - 10 minutes
Time to cook - 16 minutes
DRY INGREDIENTS
3 Cups Oat Bran Cereal (find it in the hot cereal section)
1 Cup Golden Milled Flaxseed
1/2 Cup brown sugar
4 tsp baking powder
4 tsp cinnamon
WET INGREDIENTS
2 Cups vanilly soy milk or Skim Milk
4 Eggs slightly beaten
1/4 Cup Black Strap Molasses
1/4 Cup honey
2 tsp vanilla
2 TBL vegetable oil
ADDITIONAL INGREDIENTS
1 Cup chopped pecans
2 Cups fresh or frozen Berries. I used a triple berry blend but you can use blueberries or blackberries.
Preheat oven to 425. Line muffin tins with paper liners or spray them with nonstick spray. Mix at medium speed the wet ingredients. In a separate bowl combine all the dry ingredients. Add the dry ingredients slowly to the mixed wet ingredients, mix to combine. Fold in the pecans and berries. Fill the muffin tins 3/4 of the way and bake 15-17 minutes until knife inserted comes out clean. Cool on a rack and enjoy!
I analyzed the recipe. Each muffin has 266 calories BUT they are VERY high in Omega 3's and have twice as many Omega 3's as Omega 6's. They are a good source of RDA of calcium (11%),
iron (9%), copper (9%), vitamin E (12%), magnesium (15%), All the B vitamins, is a perfect protein with all the essential amino acids present in the right proportions and a glycemic load of 13 even though it has sugar, honey and molasses in it. The zinger is that one muffin as 13% of your daily fiber.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
To Hell and Back installment 4
I have been feeling like I need to make another installment to the hell and back series. I can feel God nudging me because it is never off my mind so read on if you are interested in how God worked out the process of healing terrible damage in me.
First, have you ever heard someone say "I cannot change because this is the way my family was and this is the way I am"? I used to be a person that said that. I really felt like my inability to have intimate, vulnerable, truthful relationships were the fault of all the people that I had been with in my life. At 38, after a failed marriage, it was easy to say that my "people picker" was broken and that I needed to get comfortable with being alone because alone was safer than trying to have yet another failed relationship. I had honestly lost myself, had stuffed emotions for so long, that I really was completely convinced that completely alone was the safest thing for me.
In the meantime, physically, I was plagued with constant headaches, depression, an eating disorder, skin allergies, back problems, obsessive-compulsive behaviors and insomnia. I have since learned that all of these symptoms were symptoms of my soul crying out for love and relationship with God and others but the journey to learn that was a LONG winding, painful road.
I can say that digging deep inside our emotions and trying to determine the cause to heal the effect is not for the faint of heart. You need a strong relationship with God because it is God who needs to give you the direction, timing, courage, strength, faith, perseverance and hope. If you are reading this and want to heal emotionally and become the person inside that you have always thought you could be but have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior and do not read God's Holy Bible you will really have a difficult and might I say impossible chance of permanent healing and change. I can share my experiences, but it will be God and the Holy Spirit that enlighten you, challenge you and reveal your most broken parts, not me. You CAN change, you CAN be a whole, healthy, happy, loving person. If I can, anyone can. My life is the testimony that brokenness, damage, scars, abuse and addictions can be healed permanently with God's guidance.
I want to share with you the history that led to my quest for healing my damaged parts. THE HISTORY: My ex-husband and I had separated as I told you before. We were and are business partners and I was the accountant for our companies. During our marriage, I kept hoping that I would someday do the right thing that would cause him to love me. I really did think that it was in my power to bring him to love. I did not know that there are some people in the world that will not love you no matter what you do. I had done so many things to kill my soul, my needs, my desires, my instincts to try to please him that there was not anything left of me except the accountant and the person that could be very charming when I needed approval of others. I really had lost who I was but even I did not know it. I loved him as much as I understood love and I kept hoping for his love. I rationalized his terrible behavior and gave in to his bizarre desires for so long that even he said it had become a game to him to continue taking things away from me to see when I would finally break emotionally. He did not realize that I was broken emotionally when I married him. I only looked strong and capable on the outside because I had learned to appear that way my whole life. Thanks be to God that God had a plan for my life and caused the events to work together to get me out of that environment.
At the time we separated, I was living in a house where he did not allow me to use the heat in the winter time. We slept on down feather-bed mattresses on the living room floor all winter because that was the warmest room in the house. I was not allowed to eat the food in the refrigerator although I bought all of the food. I was not ever allowed to eat a meal with him at the table. He would call me each night 20 minutes before he was to be home and would tell me what he required for dinner and it HAD to be on the table in the right quantity when he walked in the door. He drank milk every night and it was to be poured into the glass and put in the freezer for exactly 17 minutes. My belongings and supplies were only allowed in one bedroom of the house. I had to keep a basket with my shower, make-up etc., to carry back and forth because my things could not be left in the bathroom. I was not allowed to brew coffee, buy rugs, hang pictures, paint, plant grass, flowers or trees. I was not allowed to have a home phone. I was not allowed to have even a cell phone or farm radio for the first 7 years. I was timed when I went to and from town. He called me about every 20 minutes to keep track of where I was during the last 5 years. During the last five years, I was required to carry 2 cell phones, a pager and a farm radio with me at all times so that he could always reach me. I was not allowed to play music in the house. I was not allowed to be anywhere after dark except my office. I was expected to work and pay all of the expenses for our household. His money was his money and he had provided the house and so I was expected to pay everything else.
As I write this, the change in me has been so profound that I cannot believe that I lived like this even though I know that I did. People always say that women who are abused should just get out. Abuse does not happen overnight, it grows and festers and you lose yourself so completely and you are so isolated that you lose sight of who you were and what "right or normal" are.
We were rarely intimate and when we were, he mentally and verbally fantasized about the girls who worked for me while reminding me of how ugly and fat I was. I was always ugly, stupid and fat. His favorite phrase was "when you are in that office, you are the most brilliant accountant there is, but when you turn that key in the lock to come home, you lose all intelligence and you are the most stupid person void of common sense. I doubt you can find your way home half the time". He also reminded me constantly of how I was void of self-discipline because of how fat I was. Mind you, I weighed 50 pounds less than I do now. I worked all of the time. My office was my safe place. I was usually in the office 6-7 days per week and during income tax season worked 12-17 hours per day but had no self-discipline.
My nesting instinct is still completely broken. I am still working on trying to regain some part of that. My home and my critters are my passion and love now. I am blessed that Will accepts and loves every part of me. Will sees good things in me and believes that I am a wonderful woman. I am still not a perfect housekeeper, I have no trace of myself in my home, all of my mother's things are still here exactly the way they were when she died. I am overwhelmed still by needing to establish what I want in a home but I am getting there. You are meeting me while I am still a work in progress.
The biggest shame and sorrow that I have is that I never had children. I never wanted to be anything but a wife and mother. I would beg him each year for a baby. He always had some kind of goal that had to be accomplished before he would let me get pregnant. An example of one that took 3 years was "have you bought a white four-door Mercedes and paid for it because you are so stupid you have to put my babies in the safest car possible." We danced that dance where he kept moving the goal-post for 12 years and finally at a banquet I overheard him say that he was not ever going to let me get pregnant because he could get me to move heaven and earth for a baby but if I had a baby I would only want to stay home. The depths of betrayal, shame, sorrow and utter despair that I felt are indescribable. I never did have children but God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten because I have been called to be the director of a children's bible study and as I said in previous posts God's Word says that I will have more children as a barren woman than a woman with a husband. Praise God.
Now, I want to share with you the pivotal moment that was the beginning of my quest to heal and change and "fix my people-picker". After the separation, I would only meet my ex-husband in public places to conduct business. He became very frustrated and told me that I needed to ask a pastor at my Church to let us meet in their office to conduct business. I called the Church and explained the problem and the lady on the phone said that they had a Christian Counselor on staff that was also a pastor and gave me his phone number to schedule an appointment. My ex-husband and I went into Robert's office for the first time and Robert asked the question, "Why are you here?" I remained silent and allowed my ex-husband to talk. He talked and talked for 45 minutes about what a bitter disappointment I had always been and all kinds of bad things. At the 45 minute mark, I remember Robert exclaiming "why can't you just love her?" and he said that love had never been a part of the deal and never would be. He said he had married me because I was a hard worker and was smart and was going to be able to get him where he wanted to be financially and professionally. I was really sure that Robert was going to tell me that God hates divorce and that I had to go back to him no matter what.
The pivotal moment of my life was when Robert turned to me and said to me, "Why do you hate yourself?". A gigantic lump arose in my throat so that it was difficult to answer but I said, "Dude, you have not ever met me before and I have not said a word in this whole deal, there's no way you can make the call that I hate myself!". He answered, "I don't have to know you to know that you hate yourself. There's no way you could live with this man for that many years unless you hate yourself. You know the reason why you hate yourself but you are not going to say it." I nodded that he was right and by now the lump had grown so that I could not speak. He asked me what my favorite color is and I responded with a question of what the criteria for a favorite color is. He said that I had been pleasing people for so long that I had lost myself. He said that I was such a chameleon that I did not even know who I was, what I liked, .....he said "YOU REALLY NEED HELP! Where are you living? Are you living in a safe place? I said I was and he said I needed to be in his office the next day. I was and that's where the miraculous healing began that I will start to tell you about in the next installment. It really does get miraculously better so stay with me.
First, have you ever heard someone say "I cannot change because this is the way my family was and this is the way I am"? I used to be a person that said that. I really felt like my inability to have intimate, vulnerable, truthful relationships were the fault of all the people that I had been with in my life. At 38, after a failed marriage, it was easy to say that my "people picker" was broken and that I needed to get comfortable with being alone because alone was safer than trying to have yet another failed relationship. I had honestly lost myself, had stuffed emotions for so long, that I really was completely convinced that completely alone was the safest thing for me.
In the meantime, physically, I was plagued with constant headaches, depression, an eating disorder, skin allergies, back problems, obsessive-compulsive behaviors and insomnia. I have since learned that all of these symptoms were symptoms of my soul crying out for love and relationship with God and others but the journey to learn that was a LONG winding, painful road.
I can say that digging deep inside our emotions and trying to determine the cause to heal the effect is not for the faint of heart. You need a strong relationship with God because it is God who needs to give you the direction, timing, courage, strength, faith, perseverance and hope. If you are reading this and want to heal emotionally and become the person inside that you have always thought you could be but have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior and do not read God's Holy Bible you will really have a difficult and might I say impossible chance of permanent healing and change. I can share my experiences, but it will be God and the Holy Spirit that enlighten you, challenge you and reveal your most broken parts, not me. You CAN change, you CAN be a whole, healthy, happy, loving person. If I can, anyone can. My life is the testimony that brokenness, damage, scars, abuse and addictions can be healed permanently with God's guidance.
Romans 5
Peace and Hope
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.I want to share with you the history that led to my quest for healing my damaged parts. THE HISTORY: My ex-husband and I had separated as I told you before. We were and are business partners and I was the accountant for our companies. During our marriage, I kept hoping that I would someday do the right thing that would cause him to love me. I really did think that it was in my power to bring him to love. I did not know that there are some people in the world that will not love you no matter what you do. I had done so many things to kill my soul, my needs, my desires, my instincts to try to please him that there was not anything left of me except the accountant and the person that could be very charming when I needed approval of others. I really had lost who I was but even I did not know it. I loved him as much as I understood love and I kept hoping for his love. I rationalized his terrible behavior and gave in to his bizarre desires for so long that even he said it had become a game to him to continue taking things away from me to see when I would finally break emotionally. He did not realize that I was broken emotionally when I married him. I only looked strong and capable on the outside because I had learned to appear that way my whole life. Thanks be to God that God had a plan for my life and caused the events to work together to get me out of that environment.
At the time we separated, I was living in a house where he did not allow me to use the heat in the winter time. We slept on down feather-bed mattresses on the living room floor all winter because that was the warmest room in the house. I was not allowed to eat the food in the refrigerator although I bought all of the food. I was not ever allowed to eat a meal with him at the table. He would call me each night 20 minutes before he was to be home and would tell me what he required for dinner and it HAD to be on the table in the right quantity when he walked in the door. He drank milk every night and it was to be poured into the glass and put in the freezer for exactly 17 minutes. My belongings and supplies were only allowed in one bedroom of the house. I had to keep a basket with my shower, make-up etc., to carry back and forth because my things could not be left in the bathroom. I was not allowed to brew coffee, buy rugs, hang pictures, paint, plant grass, flowers or trees. I was not allowed to have a home phone. I was not allowed to have even a cell phone or farm radio for the first 7 years. I was timed when I went to and from town. He called me about every 20 minutes to keep track of where I was during the last 5 years. During the last five years, I was required to carry 2 cell phones, a pager and a farm radio with me at all times so that he could always reach me. I was not allowed to play music in the house. I was not allowed to be anywhere after dark except my office. I was expected to work and pay all of the expenses for our household. His money was his money and he had provided the house and so I was expected to pay everything else.
As I write this, the change in me has been so profound that I cannot believe that I lived like this even though I know that I did. People always say that women who are abused should just get out. Abuse does not happen overnight, it grows and festers and you lose yourself so completely and you are so isolated that you lose sight of who you were and what "right or normal" are.
We were rarely intimate and when we were, he mentally and verbally fantasized about the girls who worked for me while reminding me of how ugly and fat I was. I was always ugly, stupid and fat. His favorite phrase was "when you are in that office, you are the most brilliant accountant there is, but when you turn that key in the lock to come home, you lose all intelligence and you are the most stupid person void of common sense. I doubt you can find your way home half the time". He also reminded me constantly of how I was void of self-discipline because of how fat I was. Mind you, I weighed 50 pounds less than I do now. I worked all of the time. My office was my safe place. I was usually in the office 6-7 days per week and during income tax season worked 12-17 hours per day but had no self-discipline.
My nesting instinct is still completely broken. I am still working on trying to regain some part of that. My home and my critters are my passion and love now. I am blessed that Will accepts and loves every part of me. Will sees good things in me and believes that I am a wonderful woman. I am still not a perfect housekeeper, I have no trace of myself in my home, all of my mother's things are still here exactly the way they were when she died. I am overwhelmed still by needing to establish what I want in a home but I am getting there. You are meeting me while I am still a work in progress.
The biggest shame and sorrow that I have is that I never had children. I never wanted to be anything but a wife and mother. I would beg him each year for a baby. He always had some kind of goal that had to be accomplished before he would let me get pregnant. An example of one that took 3 years was "have you bought a white four-door Mercedes and paid for it because you are so stupid you have to put my babies in the safest car possible." We danced that dance where he kept moving the goal-post for 12 years and finally at a banquet I overheard him say that he was not ever going to let me get pregnant because he could get me to move heaven and earth for a baby but if I had a baby I would only want to stay home. The depths of betrayal, shame, sorrow and utter despair that I felt are indescribable. I never did have children but God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten because I have been called to be the director of a children's bible study and as I said in previous posts God's Word says that I will have more children as a barren woman than a woman with a husband. Praise God.
Now, I want to share with you the pivotal moment that was the beginning of my quest to heal and change and "fix my people-picker". After the separation, I would only meet my ex-husband in public places to conduct business. He became very frustrated and told me that I needed to ask a pastor at my Church to let us meet in their office to conduct business. I called the Church and explained the problem and the lady on the phone said that they had a Christian Counselor on staff that was also a pastor and gave me his phone number to schedule an appointment. My ex-husband and I went into Robert's office for the first time and Robert asked the question, "Why are you here?" I remained silent and allowed my ex-husband to talk. He talked and talked for 45 minutes about what a bitter disappointment I had always been and all kinds of bad things. At the 45 minute mark, I remember Robert exclaiming "why can't you just love her?" and he said that love had never been a part of the deal and never would be. He said he had married me because I was a hard worker and was smart and was going to be able to get him where he wanted to be financially and professionally. I was really sure that Robert was going to tell me that God hates divorce and that I had to go back to him no matter what.
The pivotal moment of my life was when Robert turned to me and said to me, "Why do you hate yourself?". A gigantic lump arose in my throat so that it was difficult to answer but I said, "Dude, you have not ever met me before and I have not said a word in this whole deal, there's no way you can make the call that I hate myself!". He answered, "I don't have to know you to know that you hate yourself. There's no way you could live with this man for that many years unless you hate yourself. You know the reason why you hate yourself but you are not going to say it." I nodded that he was right and by now the lump had grown so that I could not speak. He asked me what my favorite color is and I responded with a question of what the criteria for a favorite color is. He said that I had been pleasing people for so long that I had lost myself. He said that I was such a chameleon that I did not even know who I was, what I liked, .....he said "YOU REALLY NEED HELP! Where are you living? Are you living in a safe place? I said I was and he said I needed to be in his office the next day. I was and that's where the miraculous healing began that I will start to tell you about in the next installment. It really does get miraculously better so stay with me.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Semi-healthy zucchini/carrot muffins
Great Sunday Morning Greetings to you!
Fall is in the air. I awoke to a cool breeze and 50 something degrees this morning. The grass on my farm has grown green again and is trying to grow tall but we still need more rain. It is much prettier to look at though and all of my animals are happy. Will worked on his lawnmower this morning and is going to mow the lawn again....I think. I think he was until he decided to charge the mower battery while he went riding on the four-wheeler. I may have lost my buddy to the great outdoors this morning. I am thankful that we have had enough rain to make mowing a necessity. He is back from the exploring and is mowing the lawn. The smell of the new mown grass coming in the house along with the cool breeze, the smell of the baking muffins. Lovely, just lovely.
Will is officially working days again for three months. Hip Hip Hooray. He passed the third part of his CDL exam and now has a CDL permit. Last night I was able to meet Will's nephews Tanner and Zack Smith. They were adorable, respectful and funny. I am glad that I was finally able to meet them. They live with their Mother far away and so they do not come here that often. Cute little Christian boys.
Will planted our garden late and has been keeping it watered during the blasted summer and now that it has cooled down, we are starting to see some production. We picked, yellow squash, zucchini, okra and tomatoes last night. There was so much zucchini and they were large so I decided to shred them and make zucchini muffins.
My chickens are laying SO MUCH. We have egg lalapalooza here. The eggs are jumbo eggs and taste so yummy. I have always hated hard boiled eggs but these I like.
Semi-healthy Zucchini/Carrot Muffins
I made a very large batch because I had so much zucchini. I made some in smaller muffin tins with paper inserts and then made some gigantic muffins and greased and floured the tins. Both turned out perfectly. The gigantic muffins took 30 minutes and all were done when I stuck a knife in and it came out clean.
I used my food processors' grating blade to shred the zucchini and carrots. It made it fast and easy but you could use a grater and get a bonus workout on your biceps and triceps.
Level of difficulty - easy
Time to prep - 15 minutes with food processor, probably 30 with a grater
Time to cook - 20 minutes for small muffins, 30 minutes for large muffins
Ingredients
Wet Ingredients
2 C vegetable oil
6 large eggs
1 1/3 C granulated sugar
1 C light brown sugar packed
2 tsp vanilla
Dry Ingredients
6 C All-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
6 tsp cinnamon
Ingredients to fold in
5 C shredded zucchini
1 C shredded carrot
1 C Cascadian Farms Oat and Honey Granola Cereal (or Equivalent)
1/2 C Golden Milled Flaxseed
1/2 C Oat Bran
1 C Chopped Pecans (optional)
Use muffin papers or grease and flour muffin tins. Preheat oven to 375.
Combine wet ingredients and mix together
Combine dry ingredients and mix in separate bowl
Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, mix or incorporate fully
Fold in Zucchini, carrots, cereal, flaxseed and oat bran
Your batter should look like this
I used an ice cream scoop to put the batter in the muffin tins. Fill each muffin hole 3/4 of the way.
Bake at 375 for 20 minutes (small muffins) or 30 minutes for jumbo muffins. They are done when they are toasty brown on top and a knife inserted comes out clean.
Enjoy!
Fall is in the air. I awoke to a cool breeze and 50 something degrees this morning. The grass on my farm has grown green again and is trying to grow tall but we still need more rain. It is much prettier to look at though and all of my animals are happy. Will worked on his lawnmower this morning and is going to mow the lawn again....I think. I think he was until he decided to charge the mower battery while he went riding on the four-wheeler. I may have lost my buddy to the great outdoors this morning. I am thankful that we have had enough rain to make mowing a necessity. He is back from the exploring and is mowing the lawn. The smell of the new mown grass coming in the house along with the cool breeze, the smell of the baking muffins. Lovely, just lovely.
Will is officially working days again for three months. Hip Hip Hooray. He passed the third part of his CDL exam and now has a CDL permit. Last night I was able to meet Will's nephews Tanner and Zack Smith. They were adorable, respectful and funny. I am glad that I was finally able to meet them. They live with their Mother far away and so they do not come here that often. Cute little Christian boys.
Will planted our garden late and has been keeping it watered during the blasted summer and now that it has cooled down, we are starting to see some production. We picked, yellow squash, zucchini, okra and tomatoes last night. There was so much zucchini and they were large so I decided to shred them and make zucchini muffins.
 |
| We don't know what these knobbly squash are but they taste wonderful. I know that the tomatoes are ugly but they are miracle tomatoes this year. |
My chickens are laying SO MUCH. We have egg lalapalooza here. The eggs are jumbo eggs and taste so yummy. I have always hated hard boiled eggs but these I like.
Semi-healthy Zucchini/Carrot Muffins
I made a very large batch because I had so much zucchini. I made some in smaller muffin tins with paper inserts and then made some gigantic muffins and greased and floured the tins. Both turned out perfectly. The gigantic muffins took 30 minutes and all were done when I stuck a knife in and it came out clean.
I used my food processors' grating blade to shred the zucchini and carrots. It made it fast and easy but you could use a grater and get a bonus workout on your biceps and triceps.
Level of difficulty - easy
Time to prep - 15 minutes with food processor, probably 30 with a grater
Time to cook - 20 minutes for small muffins, 30 minutes for large muffins
Ingredients
Wet Ingredients
2 C vegetable oil
6 large eggs
1 1/3 C granulated sugar
1 C light brown sugar packed
2 tsp vanilla
Dry Ingredients
6 C All-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
6 tsp cinnamon
Ingredients to fold in
5 C shredded zucchini
1 C shredded carrot
1 C Cascadian Farms Oat and Honey Granola Cereal (or Equivalent)
1/2 C Golden Milled Flaxseed
1/2 C Oat Bran
1 C Chopped Pecans (optional)
Use muffin papers or grease and flour muffin tins. Preheat oven to 375.
Combine wet ingredients and mix together
Combine dry ingredients and mix in separate bowl
Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, mix or incorporate fully
Fold in Zucchini, carrots, cereal, flaxseed and oat bran
Your batter should look like this
I used an ice cream scoop to put the batter in the muffin tins. Fill each muffin hole 3/4 of the way.
Bake at 375 for 20 minutes (small muffins) or 30 minutes for jumbo muffins. They are done when they are toasty brown on top and a knife inserted comes out clean.
Enjoy!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Free-style Saturday
Good Afternoon Everyone
I am enjoying a gorgeous day here. There is a beautiful breeze blowing with cool temperatures. Will mowed the lawn for me yesterday and it looks lovely. The chickens and guineas are contentedly scratching in the grass for bugs, chattering. He also removed the large willow tree that had fallen during that recent storm. I am in the mood to cook today. Will brought me groceries yesterday and I always feel creative in the kitchen when my fridge and pantry are full. I am not sure what I will create but will try to post a recipe later. I made some AMAZING sweet and sour chicken over rice the other night and I really want to post that later today.
Will says he did his chores yesterday. He has another new metal detector, that makes three. I have a feeling he and Daulton will be heading to the creek. He texted his brother and friend Box so I am thinking a man-camp is in the immediate future. He bought a brisket for himself yesterday and he can go to the camp and smoke it and hunt treasures with the guys. Perfect day for it for sure. He took the CDL, Commercial Driving Test yesterday to qualify him for a promotion at work and passed the two parts he had studied for. He will finish the last part on Monday. Here are his metal detectors, all three water proof.
Yesterday, Will took me on a ride on his 4-wheeler. It was perfect weather for it. It felt wonderful. We went to look at the lake that is on our property.
Our resident rodent has cut down lots of trees. Will is on the hunt now to trap him before he wrecks all the trees. He is a nutria rat. We know he's there because one day last year, Will and I were shooting turtles and it dove in to the water. We named him the swamp monster but this is what he looks like.
He's tearing up our fishing hole!!!! We googled him and found that they were originally brought to the US for their meat and fur but the markets dried up and people turned them loose. I think I need a smoked nutria rib while wearing my nutria fur hat!
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I am not going to hang with the guys today because my energy is still terrible and my lungs have left the building so I have no air. I enjoy days like this. Cooking, bible study, windows open, chickens cackling, peace and quiet. mmmmmmmm, perfect.
I am enjoying a gorgeous day here. There is a beautiful breeze blowing with cool temperatures. Will mowed the lawn for me yesterday and it looks lovely. The chickens and guineas are contentedly scratching in the grass for bugs, chattering. He also removed the large willow tree that had fallen during that recent storm. I am in the mood to cook today. Will brought me groceries yesterday and I always feel creative in the kitchen when my fridge and pantry are full. I am not sure what I will create but will try to post a recipe later. I made some AMAZING sweet and sour chicken over rice the other night and I really want to post that later today.
Will says he did his chores yesterday. He has another new metal detector, that makes three. I have a feeling he and Daulton will be heading to the creek. He texted his brother and friend Box so I am thinking a man-camp is in the immediate future. He bought a brisket for himself yesterday and he can go to the camp and smoke it and hunt treasures with the guys. Perfect day for it for sure. He took the CDL, Commercial Driving Test yesterday to qualify him for a promotion at work and passed the two parts he had studied for. He will finish the last part on Monday. Here are his metal detectors, all three water proof.
 | |
| Will has Tesoro Tiger Shark, Daulton has Vibra probe 580 pinpointer |
 | ||||
| This is a bad photo of the new one the Vibra Probe730 |
Our resident rodent has cut down lots of trees. Will is on the hunt now to trap him before he wrecks all the trees. He is a nutria rat. We know he's there because one day last year, Will and I were shooting turtles and it dove in to the water. We named him the swamp monster but this is what he looks like.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I am not going to hang with the guys today because my energy is still terrible and my lungs have left the building so I have no air. I enjoy days like this. Cooking, bible study, windows open, chickens cackling, peace and quiet. mmmmmmmm, perfect.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Intimidation :) and goals
Today was a lovely quiet day. I was sitting here in front of the computer and thought I would leaf through other people's blogs and ended up feeling terribly intimidated.
Those of you that know me, know that I am creatively challenged and craft/sewing phobic. There are so many blogs that are really beautifully designed. The lives of the people writing them sound idyllic, organized, filled with love and perfect. The ladies represent the "virtuous woman" that Solomon wrote about in the bible. They do so many things, it makes my mind spin. I also feel like such a failure that my life is not so virtuous. I decided that I would take stock of what I do and then make some goals to try to make my home better.
From being an accountant for 22 years, I realize that time is a finite resource. I have work that takes up a chunk of time. I help run my Mom's convenience store which requires about 18 hours per week of telephone calls. I also work when employees are not available but that is thankfully intermittent now. I have my accounting clients that I brought with me to Oklahoma from California and doing their work and consulting on the phone takes 15 hours per week on average. I have my passion serving God, designing and administrating a new children's bible study which takes 18 hours per week on average. Feeding and caring for my animals and property takes about 10 hours per week on average. So lets see, doing my daily work takes 61 hours per week on average. These responsibilities cannot be compressed so I need to take this chunk of time out first.
I will be honest about what I need to do. My Mom passed away in December 2009. I am living in her house and I have not done a thing to sort through her massive amounts of stuff. I also have not brought my stuff into her house. I have not repainted. I have not boxed and shipped stuff to my brothers and sister that I think they should have. It is overwhelming to think about tackling the magnitude of stuff that is here. I NEED TO TACKLE IT. My nesting instinct got broken when I was married. I was not allowed to even unpack the wedding presents, buy a rug, hang a picture yada yada. I need to find a way to rekindle that desire in me. Yesterday my friend Judy and I went into this store that had the most adorable stuff in it. My house in California was exactly how I wanted it and I loved it. Much of what I had to decorate with is here, just boxed away. This store had cute stuff and they are going out of business and I want to go shop their 50-75% off sale for Will's house but it seems shameful when I already have so much stuff.
I would love to be like the women in these blogs. They have perfect families. Their lawns and gardens are picture perfect. They have homes with lovely porches. Their homes are clean, organized and outdoors not one thing is out of place judging by their photos they post. They can what they grow, bake bread from scratch weekly, make yummy food and baked goods everyday. They write amazing blogs complete with creative backgrounds and photos of all kinds of stuff. They make rugs, pillows....all kinds of stuff. I asked my Mom when she wanted me to have her fancy sewing machine that the only thing I could accomplish well with it is to club a burglar over the head with it. I do well to do the stuff that I MUST do to keep life going, but I want to organize my time and energy to tackle this. I am going to ponder this and if anyone has any suggestions, I think i fixed my blog so that anyone and everyone can leave comments or fb me and give me a next thing to do. Thank you for reading. I am not sure if hardly any people read this but I enjoy writing it. Have a wonderful weekend. Will is off!!!!! The weather is perfect, I get to mow the lawn, I get to be outside. It will be wonderful.
Those of you that know me, know that I am creatively challenged and craft/sewing phobic. There are so many blogs that are really beautifully designed. The lives of the people writing them sound idyllic, organized, filled with love and perfect. The ladies represent the "virtuous woman" that Solomon wrote about in the bible. They do so many things, it makes my mind spin. I also feel like such a failure that my life is not so virtuous. I decided that I would take stock of what I do and then make some goals to try to make my home better.
From being an accountant for 22 years, I realize that time is a finite resource. I have work that takes up a chunk of time. I help run my Mom's convenience store which requires about 18 hours per week of telephone calls. I also work when employees are not available but that is thankfully intermittent now. I have my accounting clients that I brought with me to Oklahoma from California and doing their work and consulting on the phone takes 15 hours per week on average. I have my passion serving God, designing and administrating a new children's bible study which takes 18 hours per week on average. Feeding and caring for my animals and property takes about 10 hours per week on average. So lets see, doing my daily work takes 61 hours per week on average. These responsibilities cannot be compressed so I need to take this chunk of time out first.
I will be honest about what I need to do. My Mom passed away in December 2009. I am living in her house and I have not done a thing to sort through her massive amounts of stuff. I also have not brought my stuff into her house. I have not repainted. I have not boxed and shipped stuff to my brothers and sister that I think they should have. It is overwhelming to think about tackling the magnitude of stuff that is here. I NEED TO TACKLE IT. My nesting instinct got broken when I was married. I was not allowed to even unpack the wedding presents, buy a rug, hang a picture yada yada. I need to find a way to rekindle that desire in me. Yesterday my friend Judy and I went into this store that had the most adorable stuff in it. My house in California was exactly how I wanted it and I loved it. Much of what I had to decorate with is here, just boxed away. This store had cute stuff and they are going out of business and I want to go shop their 50-75% off sale for Will's house but it seems shameful when I already have so much stuff.
I would love to be like the women in these blogs. They have perfect families. Their lawns and gardens are picture perfect. They have homes with lovely porches. Their homes are clean, organized and outdoors not one thing is out of place judging by their photos they post. They can what they grow, bake bread from scratch weekly, make yummy food and baked goods everyday. They write amazing blogs complete with creative backgrounds and photos of all kinds of stuff. They make rugs, pillows....all kinds of stuff. I asked my Mom when she wanted me to have her fancy sewing machine that the only thing I could accomplish well with it is to club a burglar over the head with it. I do well to do the stuff that I MUST do to keep life going, but I want to organize my time and energy to tackle this. I am going to ponder this and if anyone has any suggestions, I think i fixed my blog so that anyone and everyone can leave comments or fb me and give me a next thing to do. Thank you for reading. I am not sure if hardly any people read this but I enjoy writing it. Have a wonderful weekend. Will is off!!!!! The weather is perfect, I get to mow the lawn, I get to be outside. It will be wonderful.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
To Hell and Back Continuation
After much prayer and soul searching, I have finally figured out how to continue my Hell and Back blogs. I am going to summarize the "Hell" and give much detail on the "Back" part. I canceled this series of blogs earlier because I was on the brink of telling the story between 1970 and 2000. The thirty years of Hell. I am anxious now even typing about it and realizing that it was 30 years. That is a very long time. I want you to know that there are some really positive experiences and relationships in the midst of the Hell. I truly believe that those positive experiences and loving relationships are the only reason that I am "Back" and am able to type this to you. I can see God's hand in all aspects of Hell to shape me into who I am today and who I am still to become. OK, prayer, deep breath, heart pounding, here we go.
First the facts. My Momma died September 1969. There is a big black hole in my memory from the day that the ambulance took her until Christmas Eve 1969 when my Dad brought a lady to the house and told us she was going to be our new Mom. They were married February 14, 1970. She and her three sons came to live with us. Our family was expanded to six children, 2 girls, 4 boys. Our ages were 6,7,8,9,11,13. We became a blended family.
My Momma's mother that we called Mama (pronounced Meh mah) and stepfather Papa lived next door, actually about 100 yards away. It was God's amazing grace that they lived next door to us. They were God's gift and the grace God had to have us remain living there helped me know there was love in the world. There are good memories with my family like many vacations, showing livestock and being in 4-H, riding horses with my sister, cousins and friend, playing with my siblings and playing with my cousins.
I went to college and had 4 years that were a welcome respite from the Hell of home. I had a boyfriend, Brett, who was the rock of my life and outside of Will is still my best-friend. I had fabulous roommates but often our living situation resembled an episode of "The Real Housewives of....." I was not saved, not a Christian. I was severely dysfunctional and damaged and I did many many things to my boyfriend, roommates and friends that I will be eternally sorry for. I wish I could have that time back as the person that I am now and could take back the hurt that I caused people that I still love. Mikki, Jan, Karen and Brett if I hurt you, I am so very sorry. I know that I did hurt you and I really have deep regrets for my own behaviors. I got married when I was 25. I lived in his house 12 years. I left him February 21, 2000. That's the 30 years.....and 7 days.
I do not want to detail these 30 years. I am not able to in this media. I want though to describe in general some of the things that happened in that 30 years that caused deep damage to me emotionally and psychologically.
There was binge alcoholism in our family. There was mental abuse and physical abuse in our family and in my marriage. There was conditional love in our family and in my marriage. There was triangulation in our family (explained later). There was deception and betrayal in our family and in my marriage. We were never allowed to appropriately grieve the death of our Momma. I was bulimic for 28 years. There was severe manipulation and control in our family and in my marriage.
You might be noticing many of the same things occurred in my family as did in my marriage. I did not consciously seek a husband that was like my father but the person that my father had raised me to be attracted that man.
I was a compliant avoidant from a very early age. I strived to be accepted. I needed to be a caretaker and a peacemaker. I thought in my ill-equipped mind that if I could be perfect i.e. self-sufficient, smart, skinny, funny, charming, athletic, hard-working, a great cook, obedient, and/or out of the way, life would be good. I learned to be a chameleon to please everyone. I had an ugly streak though and if I drank (which I did) and was a little depressed before drinking, I could be vicious.
I learned by experiencing criticism and rejection from family and husband that my emotional needs were unimportant and were signs of weakness. I stuffed my needs, my emotions and put on the happy face. The happy face is a common characteristic of adult survivors of alcoholic or abusive parents. I learned to be a skilled liar. I learned that I did not matter and was not ever going to matter. I over-extended myself constantly by promising lots more than I could deliver and ended up breaking promises often. In other words, I was someone that no one would want to be in a relationship with. At first, I was perfect because I was a pleaser but unless the other person was a taker or control freak, the dynamic didn't work. Reaching into my soul was like reaching into a black hole. When I was 12, my Dad told me that I had better develop a great personality because I am not pretty and I developed a personality that pleased whoever I was with.
In the midst of the 30 years, I was at rock-bottom as a result of the extreme abuse in my marriage and because of a lifetime of emotional damage. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and was saved. I was 30. Everything began to change at that very moment. Everything externally was still Hell but the Holy Spirit dwelling within me and my study of the bible was keeping me alive and hopeful. As I studied the bible, I realized that I could not change my husband so I would ask God to help me change. I actually was still being a compliant at the time. I was asking God to help me become more lovable to my husband and to keep me alive and help me to survive until he loved me. The Lord did amazing things. I can still remember exactly where I was sitting and where in the Bible I read and was inspired by the Holy Spirit to accept responsibility for who I was and I could see for the first time who God wanted me to be. I had so far to go though. So very far.......
I was growing and changing. I was learning that He was an amazing, awesome God and He loved me.....He loved me......He loved me.....He loved me so much He died for me. I was created by God. God was perfect. God chose me to be saved and have eternal life. God doesn't make mistakes. If I tied all of these things together........dare I think it?.....No, I don't dare, but...........do I dare? Oh wow, if God created me, loves me, chose me, died for me and He is perfect and doesn't make mistakes, does that mean I am worth loving? No, it's too hard to hope for that. I could not handle being wrong about this.......
In time, I started to have a little courage and took baby steps of belief. I started out by praying that God would let me hear His Words as true and Satan's Words as false. I prayed that when someone was critical of me that I would be able to distinguish what was true and what was false. God opened my ears, my mind and my heart to the truth. He taught me that it isn't what comes goes into a person's mouth that defiles them but it was what comes out of someone's mouth that defiles them. Wow, what a thought, I could ask God to put a guard over my mouth so that I did not continue to hurt others and I could avoid taking other people's cruel, untrue, manipulative messages to heart. Life changing epiphany.
One evening, I was in my office and my husband came into my office. We had a confrontation and he slugged me in the face. I fell backwards against my computer cabinet and as I opened my eyes, I could see the shock in his eyes. He spun and turned around and left the office. I had recently adopted a dog from a friend. Her blessed name was Libby and she was the perfect dog, a Westie. When I called him a few hours later and told him I was leaving him, he told me that I was not going to be allowed to take anything out of the house except my dog (whose throat he would cut if I left her there) and my laptop computer. I had three suits at the dry cleaners and that was that. I spent that night in a hotel afraid that I was going to go to jail for sneaking my little dog Libby in. You know me, never break a stinking rule. I did not sleep that night. I had no where to live. I had nothing. I did not believe in divorce. No one in my family had ever been separated or divorced. I was so ashamed. In my desire to please everyone, I was the biggest failure.
I remembered about 5 am that my grandparents had left us property on the street where I had been safe until I was 7 and there was an old quanset hut that was on one of the properties next door to where my dear brother and sister-in-law and their children lived. I did not know if it was still standing. I did not know if it was rented out. I called my brother at work and I will never forget the sound of his voice when I said "Allan?". I am not a morning person, in fact, I have always been a VERY BAD morning person. His voice registered dread and fear because something very terrible had to have happened for me to be calling him at 5 am. I told him I had left my husband and had nothing but my dog, my computer and 3 suits and wanted to know if the quanset hut was empty and if so, was it habitable. He said that it was funny I should ask because he and Jennifer had been to check on it and it was not terribly bad.
I said "ok, I am seeing clients all day today". I was an accountant and I was in the height of income tax season. I said that it would be late but I would be over there and would sleep on the floor until I was off on Sunday and could go get something to get started. I asked him not to tell anyone in the family. I was afraid of disapproval and reproach especially from my sister who was a devout Christian and was very opposed to divorce. Two hours later, my office phone rang and my sister said "Trace?......" I was so scared in that moment, literally trembling because I did not know what she was going to say, but in the most loving, accepting voice, she said, "Allan called me and told me what happened. Ron (her husband) and the kids and I are going to meet Allan and Jennifer at the quanset hut and we are going to clean it and there is a bed and bedding and towels that Mama and Papa left and don't worry about anything, we will take care of everything."
I did not know the magnitude of gratefulness that I felt, I think I was in shock until I got off work and went to the quanset hut. It was dark, Libby and I were alone. We walked into that precious little place and there was a rocking chair, a bookshelf, a comfy bed, a dining table, towels, dishes, pots and pans, even soap and paper towels and toilet paper. I wept.....as I am weeping remembering it. After weeping, I walked outside and sat down on a stump. Every smell and sound was familiar. This street was the only place that I have ever been safe in my life. I had been born on this dead end wonderful blessed street and had lived there those first 7 years and also the next 8. I was home again. The smells were so familiar and the old oil pumping unit was making the same sounds it had made when I was 6 years old. God had me in His right hand and I could feel His hand in making everything work together for good. I was on the road to "Back".....Mohawk Road.........
to be continued
First the facts. My Momma died September 1969. There is a big black hole in my memory from the day that the ambulance took her until Christmas Eve 1969 when my Dad brought a lady to the house and told us she was going to be our new Mom. They were married February 14, 1970. She and her three sons came to live with us. Our family was expanded to six children, 2 girls, 4 boys. Our ages were 6,7,8,9,11,13. We became a blended family.
My Momma's mother that we called Mama (pronounced Meh mah) and stepfather Papa lived next door, actually about 100 yards away. It was God's amazing grace that they lived next door to us. They were God's gift and the grace God had to have us remain living there helped me know there was love in the world. There are good memories with my family like many vacations, showing livestock and being in 4-H, riding horses with my sister, cousins and friend, playing with my siblings and playing with my cousins.
I went to college and had 4 years that were a welcome respite from the Hell of home. I had a boyfriend, Brett, who was the rock of my life and outside of Will is still my best-friend. I had fabulous roommates but often our living situation resembled an episode of "The Real Housewives of....." I was not saved, not a Christian. I was severely dysfunctional and damaged and I did many many things to my boyfriend, roommates and friends that I will be eternally sorry for. I wish I could have that time back as the person that I am now and could take back the hurt that I caused people that I still love. Mikki, Jan, Karen and Brett if I hurt you, I am so very sorry. I know that I did hurt you and I really have deep regrets for my own behaviors. I got married when I was 25. I lived in his house 12 years. I left him February 21, 2000. That's the 30 years.....and 7 days.
I do not want to detail these 30 years. I am not able to in this media. I want though to describe in general some of the things that happened in that 30 years that caused deep damage to me emotionally and psychologically.
There was binge alcoholism in our family. There was mental abuse and physical abuse in our family and in my marriage. There was conditional love in our family and in my marriage. There was triangulation in our family (explained later). There was deception and betrayal in our family and in my marriage. We were never allowed to appropriately grieve the death of our Momma. I was bulimic for 28 years. There was severe manipulation and control in our family and in my marriage.
You might be noticing many of the same things occurred in my family as did in my marriage. I did not consciously seek a husband that was like my father but the person that my father had raised me to be attracted that man.
I was a compliant avoidant from a very early age. I strived to be accepted. I needed to be a caretaker and a peacemaker. I thought in my ill-equipped mind that if I could be perfect i.e. self-sufficient, smart, skinny, funny, charming, athletic, hard-working, a great cook, obedient, and/or out of the way, life would be good. I learned to be a chameleon to please everyone. I had an ugly streak though and if I drank (which I did) and was a little depressed before drinking, I could be vicious.
I learned by experiencing criticism and rejection from family and husband that my emotional needs were unimportant and were signs of weakness. I stuffed my needs, my emotions and put on the happy face. The happy face is a common characteristic of adult survivors of alcoholic or abusive parents. I learned to be a skilled liar. I learned that I did not matter and was not ever going to matter. I over-extended myself constantly by promising lots more than I could deliver and ended up breaking promises often. In other words, I was someone that no one would want to be in a relationship with. At first, I was perfect because I was a pleaser but unless the other person was a taker or control freak, the dynamic didn't work. Reaching into my soul was like reaching into a black hole. When I was 12, my Dad told me that I had better develop a great personality because I am not pretty and I developed a personality that pleased whoever I was with.
In the midst of the 30 years, I was at rock-bottom as a result of the extreme abuse in my marriage and because of a lifetime of emotional damage. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and was saved. I was 30. Everything began to change at that very moment. Everything externally was still Hell but the Holy Spirit dwelling within me and my study of the bible was keeping me alive and hopeful. As I studied the bible, I realized that I could not change my husband so I would ask God to help me change. I actually was still being a compliant at the time. I was asking God to help me become more lovable to my husband and to keep me alive and help me to survive until he loved me. The Lord did amazing things. I can still remember exactly where I was sitting and where in the Bible I read and was inspired by the Holy Spirit to accept responsibility for who I was and I could see for the first time who God wanted me to be. I had so far to go though. So very far.......
I was growing and changing. I was learning that He was an amazing, awesome God and He loved me.....He loved me......He loved me.....He loved me so much He died for me. I was created by God. God was perfect. God chose me to be saved and have eternal life. God doesn't make mistakes. If I tied all of these things together........dare I think it?.....No, I don't dare, but...........do I dare? Oh wow, if God created me, loves me, chose me, died for me and He is perfect and doesn't make mistakes, does that mean I am worth loving? No, it's too hard to hope for that. I could not handle being wrong about this.......
In time, I started to have a little courage and took baby steps of belief. I started out by praying that God would let me hear His Words as true and Satan's Words as false. I prayed that when someone was critical of me that I would be able to distinguish what was true and what was false. God opened my ears, my mind and my heart to the truth. He taught me that it isn't what comes goes into a person's mouth that defiles them but it was what comes out of someone's mouth that defiles them. Wow, what a thought, I could ask God to put a guard over my mouth so that I did not continue to hurt others and I could avoid taking other people's cruel, untrue, manipulative messages to heart. Life changing epiphany.
One evening, I was in my office and my husband came into my office. We had a confrontation and he slugged me in the face. I fell backwards against my computer cabinet and as I opened my eyes, I could see the shock in his eyes. He spun and turned around and left the office. I had recently adopted a dog from a friend. Her blessed name was Libby and she was the perfect dog, a Westie. When I called him a few hours later and told him I was leaving him, he told me that I was not going to be allowed to take anything out of the house except my dog (whose throat he would cut if I left her there) and my laptop computer. I had three suits at the dry cleaners and that was that. I spent that night in a hotel afraid that I was going to go to jail for sneaking my little dog Libby in. You know me, never break a stinking rule. I did not sleep that night. I had no where to live. I had nothing. I did not believe in divorce. No one in my family had ever been separated or divorced. I was so ashamed. In my desire to please everyone, I was the biggest failure.
I remembered about 5 am that my grandparents had left us property on the street where I had been safe until I was 7 and there was an old quanset hut that was on one of the properties next door to where my dear brother and sister-in-law and their children lived. I did not know if it was still standing. I did not know if it was rented out. I called my brother at work and I will never forget the sound of his voice when I said "Allan?". I am not a morning person, in fact, I have always been a VERY BAD morning person. His voice registered dread and fear because something very terrible had to have happened for me to be calling him at 5 am. I told him I had left my husband and had nothing but my dog, my computer and 3 suits and wanted to know if the quanset hut was empty and if so, was it habitable. He said that it was funny I should ask because he and Jennifer had been to check on it and it was not terribly bad.
I said "ok, I am seeing clients all day today". I was an accountant and I was in the height of income tax season. I said that it would be late but I would be over there and would sleep on the floor until I was off on Sunday and could go get something to get started. I asked him not to tell anyone in the family. I was afraid of disapproval and reproach especially from my sister who was a devout Christian and was very opposed to divorce. Two hours later, my office phone rang and my sister said "Trace?......" I was so scared in that moment, literally trembling because I did not know what she was going to say, but in the most loving, accepting voice, she said, "Allan called me and told me what happened. Ron (her husband) and the kids and I are going to meet Allan and Jennifer at the quanset hut and we are going to clean it and there is a bed and bedding and towels that Mama and Papa left and don't worry about anything, we will take care of everything."
I did not know the magnitude of gratefulness that I felt, I think I was in shock until I got off work and went to the quanset hut. It was dark, Libby and I were alone. We walked into that precious little place and there was a rocking chair, a bookshelf, a comfy bed, a dining table, towels, dishes, pots and pans, even soap and paper towels and toilet paper. I wept.....as I am weeping remembering it. After weeping, I walked outside and sat down on a stump. Every smell and sound was familiar. This street was the only place that I have ever been safe in my life. I had been born on this dead end wonderful blessed street and had lived there those first 7 years and also the next 8. I was home again. The smells were so familiar and the old oil pumping unit was making the same sounds it had made when I was 6 years old. God had me in His right hand and I could feel His hand in making everything work together for good. I was on the road to "Back".....Mohawk Road.........
to be continued
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