I have been feeling like I need to make another installment to the hell and back series. I can feel God nudging me because it is never off my mind so read on if you are interested in how God worked out the process of healing terrible damage in me.
First, have you ever heard someone say "I cannot change because this is the way my family was and this is the way I am"? I used to be a person that said that. I really felt like my inability to have intimate, vulnerable, truthful relationships were the fault of all the people that I had been with in my life. At 38, after a failed marriage, it was easy to say that my "people picker" was broken and that I needed to get comfortable with being alone because alone was safer than trying to have yet another failed relationship. I had honestly lost myself, had stuffed emotions for so long, that I really was completely convinced that completely alone was the safest thing for me.
In the meantime, physically, I was plagued with constant headaches, depression, an eating disorder, skin allergies, back problems, obsessive-compulsive behaviors and insomnia. I have since learned that all of these symptoms were symptoms of my soul crying out for love and relationship with God and others but the journey to learn that was a LONG winding, painful road.
I can say that digging deep inside our emotions and trying to determine the cause to heal the effect is not for the faint of heart. You need a strong relationship with God because it is God who needs to give you the direction, timing, courage, strength, faith, perseverance and hope. If you are reading this and want to heal emotionally and become the person inside that you have always thought you could be but have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior and do not read God's Holy Bible you will really have a difficult and might I say impossible chance of permanent healing and change. I can share my experiences, but it will be God and the Holy Spirit that enlighten you, challenge you and reveal your most broken parts, not me. You CAN change, you CAN be a whole, healthy, happy, loving person. If I can, anyone can. My life is the testimony that brokenness, damage, scars, abuse and addictions can be healed permanently with God's guidance.
Romans 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.
3 Not only so,
but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured
out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
I want to share with you the history that led to my quest for healing my damaged parts.
THE HISTORY: My ex-husband and I had separated as I told you before. We were and are business partners and I was the accountant for our companies. During our marriage, I kept hoping that I would someday do the right thing that would cause him to love me. I really did think that it was in my power to bring him to love. I did not know that
there are some people in the world that will not love you no matter what you do. I had done so many things to kill my soul, my needs, my desires, my instincts to try to please him that there was not anything left of me except the accountant and the person that could be very charming when I needed approval of others. I really had lost who I was but even I did not know it. I loved him as much as I understood love and I kept hoping for his love. I rationalized his terrible behavior and gave in to his bizarre desires for so long that even he said it had become a game to him to continue taking things away from me to see when I would finally break emotionally. He did not realize that I was broken emotionally when I married him. I only looked strong and capable on the outside because I had learned to appear that way my whole life.
Thanks be to God that God had a plan for my life and caused the events to work together to get me out of that environment.
At the time we separated, I was living in a house where he did not allow me to use the heat in the winter time. We slept on down feather-bed mattresses on the living room floor all winter because that was the warmest room in the house. I was not allowed to eat the food in the refrigerator although I bought all of the food. I was not ever allowed to eat a meal with him at the table. He would call me each night 20 minutes before he was to be home and would tell me what he required for dinner and it HAD to be on the table in the right quantity when he walked in the door. He drank milk every night and it was to be poured into the glass and put in the freezer for exactly 17 minutes. My belongings and supplies were only allowed in one bedroom of the house. I had to keep a basket with my shower, make-up etc., to carry back and forth because my things could not be left in the bathroom. I was not allowed to brew coffee, buy rugs, hang pictures, paint, plant grass, flowers or trees. I was not allowed to have a home phone. I was not allowed to have even a cell phone or farm radio for the first 7 years. I was timed when I went to and from town. He called me about every 20 minutes to keep track of where I was during the last 5 years. During the last five years, I was required to carry 2 cell phones, a pager and a farm radio with me at all times so that he could always reach me. I was not allowed to play music in the house. I was not allowed to be anywhere after dark except my office. I was expected to work and pay all of the expenses for our household. His money was his money and he had provided the house and so I was expected to pay everything else.
As I write this, the change in me has been so profound that I cannot believe that I lived like this even though I know that I did. People always say that women who are abused should just get out. Abuse does not happen overnight, it grows and festers and you lose yourself so completely and you are so isolated that you lose sight of who you were and what "right or normal" are.
We were rarely intimate and when we were, he mentally and verbally fantasized about the girls who worked for me while reminding me of how ugly and fat I was. I was always ugly, stupid and fat. His favorite phrase was "when you are in that office, you are the most brilliant accountant there is, but when you turn that key in the lock to come home, you lose all intelligence and you are the most stupid person void of common sense. I doubt you can find your way home half the time". He also reminded me constantly of how I was void of self-discipline because of how fat I was. Mind you, I weighed 50 pounds less than I do now. I worked all of the time. My office was my safe place. I was usually in the office 6-7 days per week and during income tax season worked 12-17 hours per day but had no self-discipline.
My nesting instinct is still completely broken. I am still working on trying to regain some part of that. My home and my critters are my passion and love now. I am blessed that Will accepts and loves every part of me. Will sees good things in me and believes that I am a wonderful woman. I am still not a perfect housekeeper, I have no trace of myself in my home, all of my mother's things are still here exactly the way they were when she died. I am overwhelmed still by needing to establish what I want in a home but I am getting there. You are meeting me while I am still a work in progress.
The biggest shame and sorrow that I have is that I never had children. I never wanted to be anything but a wife and mother. I would beg him each year for a baby. He always had some kind of goal that had to be accomplished before he would let me get pregnant. An example of one that took 3 years was "have you bought a white four-door Mercedes and paid for it because you are so stupid you have to put my babies in the safest car possible." We danced that dance where he kept moving the goal-post for 12 years and finally at a banquet I overheard him say that he was not ever going to let me get pregnant because he could get me to move heaven and earth for a baby but if I had a baby I would only want to stay home. The depths of betrayal, shame, sorrow and utter despair that I felt are indescribable. I never did have children but God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten because I have been called to be the director of a children's bible study and as I said in previous posts God's Word says that I will have more children as a barren woman than a woman with a husband. Praise God.
Now, I want to share with you the pivotal moment that was the beginning of my quest to heal and change and "fix my people-picker". After the separation, I would only meet my ex-husband in public places to conduct business. He became very frustrated and told me that I needed to ask a pastor at my Church to let us meet in their office to conduct business. I called the Church and explained the problem and the lady on the phone said that they had a Christian Counselor on staff that was also a pastor and gave me his phone number to schedule an appointment. My ex-husband and I went into Robert's office for the first time and Robert asked the question, "Why are you here?" I remained silent and allowed my ex-husband to talk. He talked and talked for 45 minutes about what a bitter disappointment I had always been and all kinds of bad things. At the 45 minute mark, I remember Robert exclaiming "why can't you just love her?" and he said that love had never been a part of the deal and never would be. He said he had married me because I was a hard worker and was smart and was going to be able to get him where he wanted to be financially and professionally. I was really sure that Robert was going to tell me that God hates divorce and that I had to go back to him no matter what.
The pivotal moment of my life was when Robert turned to me and said to me, "Why do you hate yourself?". A gigantic lump arose in my throat so that it was difficult to answer but I said, "Dude, you have not ever met me before and I have not said a word in this whole deal, there's no way you can make the call that I hate myself!". He answered, "I don't have to know you to know that you hate yourself. There's no way you could live with this man for that many years unless you hate yourself. You know the reason why you hate yourself but you are not going to say it." I nodded that he was right and by now the lump had grown so that I could not speak. He asked me what my favorite color is and I responded with a question of what the criteria for a favorite color is. He said that I had been pleasing people for so long that I had lost myself. He said that I was such a chameleon that I did not even know who I was, what I liked, .....he said "YOU REALLY NEED HELP! Where are you living? Are you living in a safe place? I said I was and he said I needed to be in his office the next day. I was and that's where the miraculous healing began that I will start to tell you about in the next installment. It really does get miraculously better so stay with me.
