Hello Everyone
I have not composed a blog in a very long time. I had blogger block and could not think of anything to write about. I also moved all my living room furniture after a fall while walking with Will and the combination herniated 2 discs in my neck and I have been suffering with intense pain and have been ordered bed+rest. This trial of pain coupled with the forced bed+rest are what I am going to write about to you today. I do not want to dwell on the trial but on the blessings that have been a result of the trial.
Blessing number 1: As you know, I am the director of a children's bible study in Ardmore, OK. We have 3,4,5,7,10, and 12 year old children. I was so very concerned about missing even one week because my heart is so passionate about assisting my amazing children's leaders as they lead these children in their study of Genesis. I missed one week and was unable to witness the growth in the children but last week I painfully made the drive (driving is one of the worst things that I do). I was amazed to see how much growth in God's Word and in discipline. I was blessed to see that the children were hanging on the words of the leaders, they were joyful and I felt so privileged to be given the honor of starting a bible study for children.
Mark 10:13-16 And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, He was indignant, and said to them. "Let the children come to me, do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it and He took them in His arms and blessed them, laying His hands on them.
Blessing number 2: Lately, I have been so busy with life that I had neglected my quiet time with the Lord. We all do that don't we? It is the worst kind of loneliness for me when I am not feeling close to God. I am on bed-rest now and am in so much pain that I do not sleep well and I decided every-time I am white-knuckling it until the medicine kicks in, I would seek comfort by reading my bible. I have downloaded an app for my kindle fire that is for reading the bible through in one year. I love it because it is not a chronological plan, it gives me a mix of old and new testament everyday. I found that my intimacy with God has grown so much. I feel a depth of the presence of the Holy Spirit feeding my soul. I have been comforted and strengthened while developing a hunger and thirst for His Holy Word again. I have been concerned because my doctor keeps telling me that he knows that I am going to end up having surgery but I have been earnestly praying that I will not. I read this verse today that has uplifted me.
Romans 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Isn't that a sweet wonderful verse to memorize for when we are discouraged and in pain?
Blessing number 3: In bible study we are studying Genesis 32 where Joseph is fearing meeting up with Esau because their broken relationship was a result of Esau's greed and failure to recognize the importance of his birthright and because of Joseph's deceptions. I think Joseph had a guilty conscience and knew that he deserved retribution and Esau was coming with 400 men. Joseph sent messengers, flocks, etc. to Esau ahead of them to sweeten the deal and butter him up but though God had told him to return to the land and that God would be with him, Jacob was still filled with terror. He finally had to meet up with Esau and in
Genesis 33:4 it says about the meeting: But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept.
I have some broken relationships in my life due to my failures and to the failures of others. I prayed when i studied this that God would soften the hearts of those that I am distant from and that I would have the courage to ask for forgiveness where i was responsible. Last Sunday I received a call from a woman that was one of my Mom's friends her entire life. In 1979 and in 1980, this woman's daughter came to live with my family. She and I were a few years apart, she was in high school and I had just graduated. We shared a bedroom and became extremely close. I loved her deeply. My Dad had stopped drinking before she came for about 5 years and so initially he was very kind to her. He went back to drinking after she came and when he drank, he was extremely verbally abusive to all of us. She had come from a sad kind of home with no father and she loved my Dad very much but he abused her and tore her down. She ended up in a pit with no self-confidence and for unknown reasons stole money from one of my brother's and my Dad made her leave our home. She went to live with another family and I lost touch with her for several years. I always wanted to tell her that I was so sorry but never had the chance. I saw her once at her job and tried to talk to her but she looked so fearful and she was frozen and could not talk to me. My Mom kept up with her life via her Mother. We learned that this girl entered an abusive relationship and had some children and then got on drugs and even her mother lost track of her for many years. Her mother called me last Sunday to give me a message that this girl's life has come full circle and that she wanted to talk to me. Wow, I am so thankful that I can be in her life again. She is clean and sober, has moved back to Bakersfield, has obtained a job designing flowers and is in a good relationship with a supportive, kind man. We wept as Joseph and Esau did.
Tuesday of this week, I received a call from my oldest and dearest friend. She and I had not spoken to each other in 4 years. Our relationship was broken because of my failures. She had left me a message while I was in bible study that she missed me and that I had been on her mind lots lately and that she wanted to put the past behind us and be close again. I sobbed while I was listening to the message because I have missed her so much. We had met each other as high school freshmen, she dated one of my brothers for years and had been a dear part of our family. We had been with each other through our weddings, my divorce, the birth of her children, the failure of our health, moves across the country and then stopped speaking to each other. To have God restore this relationship as a result of my prayers is so amazing. She texted me after we had talked "I love being able to talk to you again. Love you, miss you, hope you are having a Great day." I feel so loved by God that He would work in her heart to forgive me and that we are reunited in love.
The reconciliation of these two relationships caused me to email two dear wonderful friends that I had failed and had not had contact with for 1 year. I asked for their forgiveness and prayed that God would soften their hearts toward me and that we could reconcile our friendships. One of them immediately wrote me back. She forgave me and was very excited to hear from me and we picked up right where we left off. The other one has not answered yet and I do not know if she has not read the email or if she is not willing to forgive. I am praying about her. She and I have been through so much together. From the time we met, God continually had one of us go through a trial supported by the other one and then later the supportive one would go through the same trial receiving the support, wisdom learned from God and love of the one who had first gone through the trial. I took her for her 50th birthday to Italy and Greece. She had not ever traveled abroad and we had a glorious time. I miss her so much. I pray that we can be restored by our loving, holy Father.
Stay with me, I know this blog is long but these blessings really have occurred in this time of trial. It has been 4 weeks now and it is amazing the bed-rest and intimacy with God can cause these amazing blessings to uplift, encourage and strengthen me. Now to the last blessing. It is dear so read on.
Blessing number 4:
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. he who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The circumstances of my life that I have written about in this blog have shaped many ways that I go through life. For all of us, this is true. Some of the things that I do are a result of my need to survive and they were good things at the time but then in some of my present circumstances they can become hindrances to intimacy with God and with Will. The one that I am speaking today is independence. In my life, after my Momma died when I was 7, as a result of her death, in many ways I had to grow up right away. There were responsibilities that fell to me that had to be taken care of. I remember feeling so grown up, it was not until I started teaching school and bible study and I realized how small and unequipped a 7 year old is. I never felt small and had to learn to be equipped. When I married my ex-husband, from the night after we married, he informed me that he had obtained me and the courtship was over and from that point on, he was not going to be a "husband" to me. He concentrated on his career but was also mentally and verbally abusive and surviving in that environment was pretty tough. I did survive and I came out of that with more tools in my tool belt and I had walls up that were a fortress really of deciding that I could not depend on anyone and so anything that needed to be done in my life had to be done by me. Then I met Will who is a man that lives out Ephesians 5:25 everyday. He craves being that man. He also craves being leaned on, respected, providing for me, loving me. In this trial, God has brought me to my knees literally. Because of this injury, I cannot even lift the coffee pot of water. i cannot feel my index finger, thumb and now palm of my left hand. If I lift the smallest thing like a glass of water, shooting pain goes to my shoulder then my elbow and then the muscles in my left forearm feel like they are on fire. I cannot even blow dry my hair. In our relationship, occasionally Will has said, "you do everything and it makes me feel useless". I did not realize until this trial happened that I do everything and do not allow him to be the head of my household. I make the decisions, I tell him how to do everything, I'm an idiot. I have watched him blossom during this and grow stronger and happier. I have learned how special and loved I feel when he does things for me. He is working nights and one morning he woke me up and I went into the kitchen and he had bought groceries for me, buying all the things I love....hazelnut coffee creamer, cottage cheese, yogurt, granola cereal etc. He is opposed to dairy because it is acid forming (I will explain that in another blog) but he knows how much I love them and so he bought them for me. I told him it was like Christmas to receive these things without me asking for them. He also makes coffee for me so that I do not have to. He and Daulton cleaned the kitchen and swept and mopped the floors. Daulton shampooed my carpet today and built me a cozy fire and filled the wood box with wood because we are supposed to have snow and ice tonight. He loves me and wants to care for me and it took this trial to get me to demolish the walls of independence so that we can grow in intimacy so that when we are married I am able to be a wife as described in Ephesians 5:22. I actually did not realize how independent I was until this happened. I did not know that when I go to the feed store and bring home 200 lbs of feed and unload it myself that I irritated him so much. I used to look at clients' and friends' marriages and I always thought something was wrong with me because I had never had a man who wanted to take care of me. I realize now that it was because I picked men who did not want to take care of me, they wanted to be taken care of. God has brought me my dream man now though and I am going to allow him to take care of me and love me as Christ loved the church because that is obedience for both of us. I am going to relish it and cherish it at the same time.
So, take hope from me if you are currently in a trial. There are blessings that the Lord brings if you seek Him. Pray that you grow in intimacy with God. Out of brokenness comes true intimacy.
