Good Wednesday Morning to Everyone. Wednesdays are the day where I always feel exhausted. We have a cold front coming in today so I am watching out the open windows. The grey clouds are floating in and sticking together. The wind is still out of the South but we are promised that it will turn around and be blustery from the North. I love cold rainy days. I am the director of a new children's bible study and have leader's meeting on Mondays and class on Tuesdays. Yesterday, I led most of the day for the 2 and 3 year old children. They are adorable and funny. We had a great day. It really is amazing to see God's Holy Word take root in these very young children. I am always exhausted on Wednesdays though. The other leaders say that they feel the same way. I always enjoy the peace and quiet on Wednesdays to refocus on the next lesson and take inventory of my chores for the remainder of the week.
I am continuing my series of the Snapshots from the Journey Back. It is the chronicle of the miracle of emotional healing that God brought about in me after a lifetime of damage being acquired by my own sin and the sin of others. God brought me through with the use His Word, a Christian Counselor, a Church family and amazing resources to read and study. The first leg of the journey began with the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
I was the adult survivor of mental, emotional, physical abuse, spousal emotional and physical abuse and was the survivor of growing up in the home of an alcoholic. I had survived some major life traumas. My family dynamic was marred with generational abuse, conditional love, triangulation, mental manipulation and addiction. I have discovered though that the people that I was raised by and married to did love me the best that they knew how, they were damaged themselves and thus the generational damage resulted. I was created by God to be "soft=hearted and weak" as my family deemed me. I was even termed "spineless" by my father. The combination of all of these things stirred around and muddled together caused me to emerge as a person who desperately needed approval, acceptance and love and would do ANYTHING to get it. I could not ask for help. I felt extreme hurt when I asked for help and did not receive it. I was terrified to ask for my needs to be met. I had a very dysfunctional character trait where I would do and do for people to get them to approve of me to the point of making them dependent on me so that I could feel approved and accepted. I was over committed, over worked, empty and hopeless.
My fruit of these things was a life void of any appropriate boundaries. My Christian Counselor noticed this immediately because of the fact that I was afraid to do anything for myself, afraid to recognize that I had needs and had been pleasing people so long that I didn't even know how to choose a favorite color. He recommended the book Boundaries. I recall being shocked when I read about what a boundary was and how God's Word calls us to "Love our neighbor as ourselves". I also recall that I could see a slim chance that something important and miraculous could be hidden in the concept of boundaries. The book explained the verse in a way that was foreign to me. I was very good at loving my neighbor in dysfunctional ways because I did not have an ounce of love for myself. In fact I only had self-loathing for myself. Having a need was weak in my eyes. Saying no to someone was wrong in my eyes. I had to start with this verse which God includes in His Holy Word 9 times. God commands us:
Leviticus 19:18
Never get revenge. Never hold a grudge against any of your people. Instead, love your neighbor as you love yourself. I am the Lord.
Jesus confirms it in these verses:
Matthew 19:19
Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
Matthew 22:39
The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’
Mark 12:31
The second most important commandment is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Mark 12:33
To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as you love yourself is more important than all the burnt offerings and sacrifices.”
Luke 10:27
He answered, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind.’ And ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ ”
The same is confirmed in these verses:
Romans 13:9
The commandments, “Never commit adultery; never murder; never steal;
never have wrong desires,” and every other commandment are summed up in
this statement: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
Galatians 5:14
All of Moses’ Teachings are summarized in a single statement, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
James 2:8
You are doing right if you obey this law from the highest authority: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
If you study these verses and think about yourself and about your family and friends you will see that people that have been damaged can be convicted by these verses in different ways and usually tend to gravitate towards each other in relationship. There are people that are very good at loving themselves but not their neighbors and are termed controllers, abusers, selfish, self-absorbed and many others terms. There are also people that are very good at loving their neighbors but not themselves and they are termed abuse victims, compliants, selfless, weak, scattered, flaky and lots of other terms. I believe that God sent a miracle to me by revealing through His Holy Spirit that I must keep both sides of this commandment. The Ten Commandments can be summed up into these 2 commandments. God revealed to me how out of balance my life was. I was very much in love with God and still am. It is easy for me to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. It has been easy for me to love my family and friends. It is still difficult to love myself. I have developed and love myself more today and accept and approve of myself more today than ever in my life. I am still a work in progress though.
If anyone that is reading this feels any kind of identification with what I am describing, I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" or any of the "Boundary" resources. I also recommend "New Life Live" that is on the radio and on cable TV. My Church in Bakersfield offered small groups that explored Boundaries and emotional healing, I recommend those too. I will provide more about this part of the journey in my next post in the series but for now we should all reflect on these verses and see if there is any work that might be done to be obedient to these two commandments.
Have a glorious Wednesday. I can feel the temperature dropping and I am so excited about the rain that is promised. I want to wear a sweatshirt!
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